Money and Sex: The Transactional Pitfalls of Modern Relationships
The Brutal Truth About Covert Contracts
Introduction
Here’s the first post in what I hope will be a series where I share my thoughts on posts made in subreddits devoted to relationships. I’ll do so in a manner that promotes happiness, doesn’t treat the opposite sex as an enemy, and reflects my perspective as a Dom1 experienced in consensual power dynamics.2
The Post
Analysis
There are so many things wrong with this young man’s mindset. For starters, he has a covert contract3 in place: meaning he has made a deal with himself that once he has a “good” paying career, earning over six figures, that should make him more attractive to women. That’s the covert agreement he has made between himself and any woman he meets. And when such a woman acts in a way that, in this young man’s mind, violates the terms of this covert contract, he will more than likely get angry, blaming her.
And if the women he were to meet acted in a way that was congruent with this covert contract, when times got tough in a relationship, this young man would be more prone to call such a woman a gold digger, materialistic, or whatever other term.
It reminds me of a conversation I had many years ago with someone I was significantly involved with in a power dynamic. We were negotiating the boundaries of our relationship, and for her to fully consent, she needed to test not only how I would react—whether I was quick to anger—but also to see if I was truly honest with her about my desires. In that world, not being upfront is a huge red flag. So she stated flatly, “All you want is sex,” to which I responded, “Yeah, if that’s all you’re offering, of course.”
It would be equally true if a man, like the poster, were to say to a woman he’s trying to date, “All you want is my money,” and her response were to be, “Yeah, if that’s all you’re offering, of course.”
Just as men who offer only money attract women who use them for their “wealth,”4 women who offer only sex attract men who use them for their bodies. Both scenarios result in feeling used and unsatisfied because the relationship is based on superficial exchanges rather than genuine connections.
When we’re not honest and direct with our desires, and we don't clearly communicate what we want, we risk entering into covert contracts. These contracts have, at their core, unspoken expectations that the people in our lives are then expected to meet. When they don’t, that’s when anger and frustration set in, followed by our blaming the person who broke these hidden agreements.
The next thing the poster does is talk about his looks. On the surface, there’s nothing wrong with that, but the way he slips in “I’m making the most of the cards I’m dealt genetically” tells me this guy believes in “Looksmaxing,”5 a term incels6 use that disregards the fact that women are not attracted to men the way men are to women.
Generally, women are attracted to men not for their looks but for how they make them feel. A man who can carry a conversation in a way that creates polarity,7 who makes every word coming out of his mouth sound like music, will always win out over the man who only talks about politics, philosophy, niche hobbies, and, most of all, himself. I’m absolutely sure this is what the poster does because I know men like this. I’m in the gym with them every morning, and they annoy the hell out of me. If they can get me to feel that way, I know they’re dragging everyone else they meet down with their anti-seductive8 tendencies.
Advice
Here’s what I’ve learned over the years: to be good with women, or people in general, you have to make them feel like they’re the most important person in the world at that moment when they’re talking with you. And that’s not easy because it also has to be genuine. It has to be, as the poet Allen Ginsberg once wrote in a poem called Song:
—must give
for no return
as thought
is given
in solitude
in all the excellence
of its excess.
For the man who has a genuine love for women, it’s the only way to experience what Ginsberg wrote at the end of the poem:
The warm bodies
shine together
in the darkness,
the hand moves
to the center
of the flesh,
the skin trembles
in happiness
and the soul comes
joyful to the eye—
yes, yes,
That’s what
I wanted,
I always wanted,
I always wanted,
to return
to the body
where I was born.
When a man is a looksmaxxer, he will never get the chance to experience the joy described in the poem, because he lacks the authenticity that women are generally attracted to. If the poster is unable to see that he is the common denominator in all the failures he’s had in trying to date, what could eventually happen is that he will complete his conversion to inceldom. He will eventually develop anger toward the women who took him up on the only thing he thinks is attractive about him while forgetting that money was all that he was offering.
Unless he has an epiphany, based on the final sentence of his post—“At least I have money now”—he will never get it. He will call every woman he meets a gold digger because that is all men like him will be able to attract.
Here Are Five Quick Tips to Become Someone Who “Gets It”
Communicate Honestly: Clearly express your desires and expectations in relationships. Avoid unspoken "covert contracts" that lead to frustration when not met.
Create Emotional Connections: Focus on how you make others feel rather than just your looks or material possessions. Engage in conversations that foster emotional bonds and polarity.
Be Authentic: Genuine interest and authenticity are more attractive than superficial improvements. Authenticity fosters real connections and lasting relationships.
Self-Reflection: Recognize and address the common denominator in your relationship challenges. Understanding your own role in these issues is crucial for personal growth and improvement.
Prioritize Genuine Interaction: Make others feel valued and important during interactions. This genuine attention is key to building strong, meaningful relationships.
If you would like to read a novel with main characters who get it, click on this link to Amazon, where The Beautiful World of the Alive is currently being sold, and see for yourself. Also, subscribe to this newsletter (if you haven't already).
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Dom: Short for Dominant; in consensual power dynamics, a Dom is the partner who takes on the controlling role, guiding and making decisions in the relationship, often in a BDSM context.
Consensual Power Dynamics: A relationship structure where one partner willingly gives control to the other, with mutual agreement and clear boundaries, often found in BDSM relationships.
Covert Contract: An unspoken agreement where one person expects certain outcomes in return for their actions without explicitly communicating these expectations, often leading to frustration and resentment.
At least the perception of it.
Looksmaxing: The practice of trying to improve one's physical appearance to increase attractiveness, often associated with communities focused on superficial measures of self-worth.
Incel/Femcel: Terms used to describe involuntary celibates; individuals who desire romantic or sexual relationships but are unable to find partners. "Incel" refers to men, and "femcel" refers to women.
Polarity: In relationships, polarity refers to the dynamic balance of opposing energies, such as masculine and feminine, which creates attraction and passion between partners.
Anti-seducer: A person whose behavior and traits actively repel others, making them unattractive and unappealing in social and romantic contexts.