Passion Is Overrated
The Truth About Desire, Chaos, and the Men Who Walk Away
There’s a subset of men out there who, if given all the cheat codes in a video game, wouldn’t use them. Not because they don’t want to win, but because they want to know they earned the win.1 They want to prove that they understand the game, that they can master it, that they can come out on top on their own skill alone.
And it’s that same subset of men who cry about wanting genuine desire from a woman.
The Illusion of “Genuine Desire”
When men say they want genuine desire, what they really mean is that they want a woman’s attraction to feel real, not transactional.2 They want her to want them for who they are, not what they provide. And they believe the way to achieve that is through the right combination of traits—looks, wealth, charm, status. The right inputs should lead to the right outputs. The right grind should lead to the right rewards.3
So they pour time, money, and effort into becoming that guy. They build muscle, chase promotions, refine their game, all with the underlying belief that if they do it the right way, they’ll unlock the love and devotion of a woman who wants them for them.
They think they’re different from the guy who pays for women. They look down on the man who hands over cash to get what they’re grinding for. To them, he’s cheating—taking the shortcut instead of playing the game the “right” way.
But what they don’t realize yet is that they’re already paying.4
Time Is Money, and You’re Already Paying
The young man who prides himself on doing it the “right” way doesn’t see the cost.
The hours spent texting, calling, planning dates, wooing, entertaining. The money spent on dinners, drinks, weekend getaways. The emotional energy of keeping her interested, decoding her moods, ensuring he’s saying and doing the right things to keep her hooked.5
He doesn’t see it yet, but he’s spending just like the man who puts $200 on the nightstand. The currency is different, but the transaction is the same.6
The older man sees it.
He understands that no matter which route you take, you pay. The difference is efficiency. The older man, seasoned by life, has learned that the chase—the endless pursuit of genuine desire—is a fool’s errand. He knows that passion doesn’t mean devotion. That a woman’s desire, no matter how intense in the moment, does not translate to loyalty, peace, or stability.7
Because passion isn’t what he thought it was.
Passion Is Chaos
The young man thinks passion is love, proof that he’s won the game. But what he doesn’t see is that passion is just as likely to destroy him as it is to fulfill him.
Passion is slashed tires in the driveway.
Passion is a screaming match in the middle of the night.
Passion is her sobbing that she hates him as she pulls a knife from the kitchen drawer.8
Passion is instability. Passion is madness. Passion is a storm that burns hot and dies fast.
The older man knows this. He’s lived it. He’s been the man that women have loved so much they wanted to destroy him. And he’s past the point of thinking that’s a good thing.
The older man values peace more than passion.
The Myth of the “Lonely” Older Man
Society pities the older man who chooses to walk alone. They call him lonely. They say he’s given up.
What they don’t understand is that he’s already lived the life they think he’s missing out on.
He’s had the long-term relationships. He’s played the provider role. He’s raised the kids, devoted himself to a wife, done everything he was told would bring him fulfillment. And what did he learn?
That providing for a woman doesn’t create desire. It creates dependence.9
That love and devotion are conditional. That once his usefulness fades, so does the affection.
That his peace was sacrificed at the altar of someone else’s happiness, all for an insidious covert contract10 he had in place not only with his woman but with everyone else.
So now, he does what he should have done all along: he puts himself first.
And because he no longer chases passion, because he no longer bends over backward for genuine desire, they call him bitter, cold, alone. But they don’t realize that for the first time in his life, he’s truly free.
And in that free state, the older man knows when a woman says I don’t like having casual sex, to respond with I don’t like having casual conversations.
Passion Is Overrated. Peace Is Freedom
Young men chase passion, thinking it’s the ultimate proof of their worth, subjecting themselves to endless casual conversations, all hoping for the reward.11
Older men choose peace, knowing their worth was never tied to a woman’s desire in the first place.
The difference between a young man and an older man is this:
One thinks winning the game means getting the girl.
The other realizes winning the game means not playing at all.
When Passion Turns to Obsession
If you want to see what happens when passion turns into obsession, chaos, and destruction, check out my novel, The Desert Road of Night. Now available on Amazon and most major retailers.
This is a well-documented gamer psychology concept—people value earned success over shortcuts. (Deci & Ryan, Self-Determination Theory, 2000)
Transactional relationships are as old as civilization itself. Men instinctively reject outright transactions (e.g., paying for sex) but don’t realize they engage in indirect transactions every day. (Baumeister & Vohs, The Cultural Evolution of Desire, 2004)
The “If I just level up, she will want me” fallacy is a psychological trap. Attraction isn’t an equation—it’s driven by primal instincts, not effort-reward fairness. (Buss, The Evolution of Desire, 1994)
The “time vs. money” principle applies across all economic and social exchanges. (Cialdini, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, 1984)
Emotional labor is a real investment, just like financial labor. (Hochschild, The Managed Heart, 1983)
This is the “relationship economy”—it’s just a matter of what currency you’re spending. (Fisman & Sullivan, The Org: The Underlying Logic of the Office, 2013)
Women’s desire is not based on merit; it’s largely contextual, emotional, and situational. (Buss, Why Women Have Sex, 2009)
Passion-driven relationships tend to be unstable. Emotional intensity often correlates with higher levels of conflict. (Gottman, The Science of Trust, 2011)
Dependence is not attraction. Women can rely on a man without desiring him. (Baumeister, Is There Anything Good About Men?, 2010)
“Covert contracts” describe unspoken expectations where men believe their sacrifice will be rewarded with love, sex, and devotion. (Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy, 2003)
The “endless casual conversation” trap is a direct result of the paradox of choice in modern dating. Barry Schwartz (The Paradox of Choice, 2004) explains that when people have too many options, they often become indecisive, engage in low-commitment interactions, and avoid making definitive choices. In dating, this manifests as women keeping men in casual conversations without clear intent, while men waste time believing persistence will lead to intimacy. Older men recognize this as a time sink and opt out, prioritizing peace over endless engagement.